What Do Others Expect of You? And Why?
Have you ever thought about the expectations people place on you? How did they conjure them up? And did you inspect the resulting happiness or disappointment that ensued depending on the outcome? In this article, I explore how these differences in expectation arise, and we find that by peeling back the layers, you can begin to understand why they develop.
Let’s look at an example. It is likely that at some point, you have encountered a time when you or someone you know, has decided to do something that goes against the parent’s best wishes. In this scenario, Hilary has chosen to study a physiotherapy degree against the wishes of her parents. As Hilary was growing up, her parents were expecting her to apply for med school. Something she was reminded of constantly.
From figure 1, we can see how these expectations differ. In itself, the fact these expectations differ is not a problem. The problem arises without any further inputs (new information or experience) into the situation. As a result, either Hilary or her parents are likely to end up disappointed (because their belief did not come true). The starting point to removing that potential disappointment is to peel back a layer. What is leading both parties to have different beliefs about Hilary’s future?
In figure 2, we can see at the primary level that their beliefs form as a result of previous experiences and knowledge. When Hilary constructs her expectations for her study and career, her whole life is taken into consideration, consciously and subconsciously. Figure 3 provides a clear visual of how these inputs differ from Hilary to her parents.
For Hilary, several key inputs lead to her decision. Her love of sports, rehabilitation from a previous injury and the mentors in her life have helped shine a light on the value she could derive from that degree. Her parents, on the other hand, have a vastly different set of inputs to go into their equation. They may use their life experience, an unhealthy competition with their neighbours and the desire for Hilary to be financially stable and independent.
Differences in expectations, such as these can lead to a whole range of outcomes. A lot of them you can probably think of quite easily. Hilary may resent her parents for forcing her into a degree she didn’t want. Her parents may end up disappointed in her because she is not respecting their wishes. Hilary thinks her parents don’t care and don’t want her to be happy. You get the drift.
When you don’t agree with expectations and beliefs that other people have placed on yourself, keep in mind the inputs that they may use to arrive at their conclusions. This approach may help prevent you from “jumping the gun” and allow you to have a thorough discussion to understand their side in more detail.
In the next article, we’ll explore some simple steps that you can take to help align expectations together.
